Letting Go!

ME/CFS, Fibromyalgia and ovarian adhesions… after 1.5 years of going to the ER, going to see many specialists, naturopaths, etc. I finally had a diagnosis.

I had always held out hope that they would diagnose me with something that would require a surgery or other such intervention and once done, I would be healthy again and could return to my previous life. It was not to be, I had been diagnosed with a chronic condition. A condition that I needed to learn to manage and a condition that resulted in me having to retire from work at the age of 51. I was not ready for this! I had so much left to give, so much left to live!

Receiving a diagnosis had its pros and its cons. On the pro side, with a diagnosis, I knew what was wrong and could take active steps to manage the condition. On the con side, I had to come to terms with having been diagnosed with 3 chronic conditions. These conditions basically redefined how my every day life would be lived. It also had me questioning who I was and if it was even worth me continuing to exist.

My diagnosis was in the fall of 2020, I spent the following winter going through a grieving process. Grieving who I was, grieving my old way of life, grieving all that I had to let go (work, hobbies, social activities, etc.).

Although winters are typically known for some hibernation, this particular winter had me hibernating and turning into myself more than ever. I found myself going through the 5 steps of grief:

Denial: When I first got the diagnosis, I thought “could they possibly be wrong? If we did more tests, would we find something that would have a quick solution / a cure.” I was in this stage from my diagnosis at the end of November until early January.

Anger: I then became angry with myself – blaming myself for decisions throughout my life that may have contributed to me now having these conditions. I would ask myself “what did I do wrong? What could I have done differently?” I spent most of January in this stage.

Bargaining/Depression: I lived depression as desperation. Who was I if I could no longer be a hard worker, who was I if I could no longer be a housewife, who was I if I could no longer be a wife, who was I if I could no longer contribute to anything…. I felt worthless. I felt like I was just a burden to everyone. I felt I no longer had a reason for BEING. On some days, I bargained thinking “If you allow me to get better, I will live my life differently. I will take life more gently. I will be a better wife, a better employee, a better mother, a better sister, etc… On other days, I just wallowed in the fact that I could no longer be any of these. I was like this from February until probably mid May.

Acceptance: I then started looking at how I could live my life given my new limitations. If I could no longer fly kites, I could instead sit outdoors, watch the birds and learn to recognize them by their looks, their calls and even start learning their behaviors. If I could no longer work, maybe I could start writing – something I had always dreamed of doing. If I could no longer clean my house in one day, maybe I could start breaking down the tasks in much smaller chunks and do a little bit on my good days. If I could no longer have outside social interactions, maybe I could cross stitch and be part of different cross stitch related groups on Facebook.

This was a big step in letting go. Letting go of who I was to, to become what I might BE!

The act of letting go is not something I do easily. If you look at my closet, my basement, you will see that I have difficulty of letting go of things. I also have a lot of difficulty letting go of the past. I keep reliving things in the past, trying to figure out how I could have done things differently to not have had suffered certain things. Replaying these serve no purpose. I need to let go of these old stories. The stories do not define who I am, they are simply stories. They are what molded the person that I have become! I need to learn how to live in the moment and move forward with who I am today. We cannot rewrite the past. The future has not yet been written – it still can be modified!

By letting go, I learned to approach my life and myself with compassion. I understood that being compassionate with myself I could get through anything. I could learn to heal my inner child, I could learn to reach my core essence, I could learn to just BE!

I am still defining every day what my new life looks like. For example, this spring (spring 2022), I sold my old 21 speed bicycle and purchase an eBike. This new eBike allows me to accompany my husband on the occasional bike ride. This past winter, I purchase a rollator (something like a walker), to provide me with aided mobility and a seating option on days that I want to try and get out and about.

I am not cured from ME/CFS, fibromyalgia and ovarian adhesions as none of these have a cure! However, I have learned that by letting go and by being compassionate with myself I could learn to co-exist with these conditions. I could learn to manage my symptoms. I learned to listen to the signs and give my body rest when it needs rest. I learned to not hold on to old stories but rather move forward with writing new stories. I learned to live one day at a time, without expectation, to just take them as they come. Most of all, I learned to just BE!

As a little anecdote: As I was going through the grieving steps, I had started reading “The Tibetan Book of the Living and the Dying” by Sogyal Rinpoche. This book was recommended by a Master teacher from Zen Wellness. As, I read, I arrived a section of the book that was all about learning how to be compassionate with oneself. I was struggling to continue reading this section and put the book aside. I decided to purchase another book that I began to read. The book is entitled “The Kuan Yin Transmission Book: Healing Guidance from our Universal Mother” by Alana Fairchild. I guess the Universe was trying to send me a message. Kuan Yin is the Goddess of Compassion!!!